The need for submission

Morning folks,

I thought I was cured. I honestly thought it was behind me, that I had rid mysef of the demons and that the darkness had lifted. Tonight, however, I succumbed and gave myself over to desire and embraced my weakness. Tonight, loyal reader, I submitted a letter and novel extract to a literary agent.

I know, I know, it's pointless, futile, humiliating. My only excuse is that I could not help myself.

After years of being oh so close, after having my own agent, after contact from one of the biggest publishers in the world and then nothing, I thought I had learned. The advent of Amazon's self-publishing option seemed to scratch my itch. I was able to sell my books, even in paperback, worldwide and it felt good. My mother is proud of me. I am a published author who recieves royalties each month.

So what happened? A single Tweet from Simon Trewin. Who? He's a partner at WME in London. He rejected my earlier work years ago when I didn't know any better. But the world is smaller than it's ever been.

I started to write crime fiction. Simon tweeted that he'd like to see some. I was unable, perhaps unwilling, to resist. Despising myself, I attached an extract to an email and sent it off within the last hour, knowing in my heart that Simon will never even see it. One of his team, a subordinate with two less degrees than me, will glance at my email, the attachment might well never be read. Later, perhaps in 6 weeks, maybe 2 months, I will receive a standard reply thanking me for my submission but politely declining. They will wish me luck elsewhere and I will be despondent.

Until then I will think about the submision every day, outwardly claiming not to be bothered, expecting rejection, while inwardly praying for acceptance.

Amazon's self publishing option has allowed any author to make their work available to a global audience. I have sold my books in Germany, the UK and America, in ebook and paperback. The reviews have been, without exception, fantastic. My social network is growing exponentially.

Would I change all of this for a leading agent and a publishing contract with Random House (or similar)?

Let's wait and see what Simon says.